Sunday, May 6, 2018

Burglary/Birthday Suit Debacle

     Let me begin by saying that as a teenager I loved to lay out in the sun during Spring and Summer. By in the sun I mean, full sun, partial sun, whatever was was overhead that day, count me and my lounge chair in.  The result at the beginning of the season each year would be a slight sunburn.

 One night, having such a burn, I decided the most comfortable sleepwear would be my birthday suit.  My twin sister and little sister, being much more modest than I was, thought I had lost my mind. Since they didn't share my bed, I didn't let their opinions stop me.  I took it right on down to my birthday suit and I was asleep in no time.   

When I woke up the next morning I declared to my twin sister how great I had slept and proceeded to try and convince her to join me.  Like I said she was very modest but after much insistence from me, and a small meltdown, she decided she'd give it a try.  The next morning when we woke up, I looked over at her in her bed and I said "Well?"  She said she had also found it very comfortable.  I said, "You're welcome.", and so began our summer of what I just knew was going to be blissful sleep....

Fast forward a few weeks to the night when I realized that my ideas at the age of 16 weren't always the brightest ones...One of Satan's foot soldiers had come to steal my bliss.

I was asleep,  in nothing but the birthday suit, when I suddenly heard my twin sister say "Arlene." She was low talking.  It was almost a whisper.  She said it again, followed by some very alarming words.

"Arlene, Do not scream and do not turn on the light. Someone is breaking in the window.  I can see his shadow."  I looked at the window and Dear God she wasn't lying.  My heart began to hammer and all I could think was I have got to get to my Daddy.   I grabbed my sheet while simultaneously rolling of the bed and wrapping myself  in said sheet as I went.   I arrived on the floor wearing a pink toga.   The next step was to hit my elbows and knees and start crawling...

I made it across the hall to Mom and Dad's bedroom looking like a foot  soldier under attack.  So there I was in my sheet, my curly hair going crazy trying to get my Daddy's attention without scaring off the man in the window. "Daddy, Daddy."  I repeated.....he jumped up and looked around, but he couldn't find me.

I said a bit louder..."Daddy I'm down here and someone is coming in our window!"  He jumped up off the bed and came around to his closet to get his gun and that's when he saw me.  He gave me an I'll revisit this bunch of crazy after I handle whatever's going on outside look.  He got the gun and went outside while my Mom called the police.

When the police had come and gone, and the man had gotten away, my Daddy came back inside.  I was standing in the kitchen, still wearing my toga and making a cup of coffee.  I braced myself for a lecture that never came.

My Daddy just looked at me, wearing his serious face, and he said "Sugar, that's why you need to sleep with some clothes on.  Daddy loves you.  Go and get some sleep."  

I had never loved him more.  He had saved me and been sweet about my crazy even though he didn't understand it.  I ditched the coffee Idea and headed back to my room.  I put a gown on and got in bed, and with my Daddy's protection the sleep I got was much better than a birthday suit could ever provide.

I love you Daddy....Always my Hero

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Plump It Up!

     I have been aware that women get lip injections and other procedures to have fuller lips for quite some time.   I have never personally felt the need to look into this for myself.  I have always been satisfied with the ones God gave me, but then some lip guru  that was on T.V. informed me that your top lip is basically stolen from you by gravity as you age.  I was devastated by this news.  I mean seriously?? My top lip is going to fall down.  As a child I had to worry about the London Bridge and now this!!

     I raced to the bathroom mirror for an immediate self examination.  After said examination I decided that if I had any change in my lip it was slight.  At this point I knew I needed to be proactive.  I couldn't just sit around waiting on my top lip to collapse.

     My plan of action began with research.   Coffee in hand, I went and sat down in front of my laptop.  I typed lip augmentation into my search bar which yielded several results all of which included needles. I'm not a fan of needles.   I kept reading and I narrowed my search to non invasive lip enhancement...

     On this new list of suggestions was some form of a plastic device that you put over your lips an it acts as a suction and causes what looked to be pretty severe swelling of the lips.  Not wanting to walk around looking as if I was having an allergic reaction to something, or had duck mouth,  I kept reading...

     Finally I found it.  Something I could get on board with.  Lip Plumper.  Best news ever, there are no needles!! What I read said that lip plumper contains some form of slight irritant that causes minimal swelling, and they come in the form of lip gloss with a choice of  shades!! I had my answer.

     My next big move was to search for the best lip plumper.  I found several websites that proclaimed their product to be the best, but for some reason wasn't satisfied and kept reading. Down the list just a bit further I found it!!  "Extreme" lip plumper.  Let me just say that I couldn't get my credit card out of my purse fast enough. I placed my order and the wait began.

     It arrived a few days later and back to the bathroom mirror I went for a trial run. I glossed up.  Then.....the burn!!  It lit me up!! My lips felt like I had coated them in the  juice straight out of a cayenne pepper.  I began to think over and over again don't lick your lips.   You'll burn every taste bud you have right off your tongue.

     When the tears that had pooled in my eyes cleared and the burning began to subside  I looked  in the mirror again  I could tell that it worked and that the look was subtle.

    What do you think I did then?  I did what I had to do.  I went right back to my laptop and ordered two more tubes.  I just can't walk around with my lip falling down.  Beauty can mean pain.

     I realize this isn't for everyone but if you find yourself in my shoes ladies just  guts, no glory and plump it up...



Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Small Town He Said She Said...Sugar They Love To Talk....

Most of my life has been spent in communities where people are all friendly and everyone seems to know most everyone.  This was even true in Atlanta when I was a little girl and I always thought that sense of friendliness felt good....I always felt this same sense of closeness with most of my co-workers...

Then I grew up and learned that everything and everyone are not always what they seem...There are exceptions to this but they are very few....

As a little girl I had no idea that sometimes friendly concern is merely the adult way of wanting to know all about someone's business.  I also had no idea that people that call themselves your friends could turn on you so quickly or that you could suddenly become the center of attention without warning ...but trust me when I tell you ..You most certainly can..

Let me just say that A few years ago I did something that many people quickly judged me for, and judged me harshly.  I have always tried my best to be a kind, caring, and an overall good person. That being said none of these people knew my entire life story which was absolutely relevant to the issue, but very private so I felt no desire to share it with everyone.

Let me also add that I broke no laws...You would think by the reactions of people that I belonged on death row, but like I said, no laws were broken.

The what in this is not is the result of the what that I'm sharing with you now...because to me least at mattered and it hurt....People love to talk and talk they did.

There were people in town giving me looks and I heard rumors about myself that I couldn't even believe...I mean the teller at my bank even came out the front door to give me a look while my husband was inside doing business....Amazing! Right?

I walked into a shop where two teenage girls were working and my husband was with me.  Very loudly one looks at the other one and says "Look, it's her!"  Her cohort then replied "Who?" to which her friends response was "HER!" This was met with "Ooooooh".  "What's her name?"  answered , of course, with "Mrs. Foster."

I just jabbed my husband right in the ribs with my elbow and said , very loudly, "Did you hear that?  I'm famous!"

A former co-worker even sang, loudly and while grinning, a song (he was being sarcastic) to me in a local grocery store parking lot recently...Wow right?

A few Facebook "friends" quickly deleted me because God forbid they have someone of my caliber on their friends list.  They made snap judgments knowing nothing about my life and "delete"... It was hurtful and then  at the same time very enlightening.  I learned so much about people.  The main lesson being that people disappoint you.

When this all started it only took a few incidents such as the ones above before I reached the point of a complete come apart. ...I couldn't believe it was all happening.

Then I realized that all I could do was just brush the dirt off and move on.  They gave me an opportunity to learn and grow.   I have begun to understand that when this happens it says much more about who they are than it does about who you are.

Needless to say I'm over it now, but I'm writing this to let you in on a little secret....The ones that talk about you, and judge you know the least about you...The ones that wouldn't know truth if it bit them square in the rear end.. as it turns out... they aren't important in your life or to your happiness....

The ones who stepped out of my life did me a favor really, because now I know who they are....You know the old saying..When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

During everyone's life things happen, and I understand that.  I've never  been one to judge people but many many people feel evidently as if it's their job.  I am also writing this to let those people know that the whole judging thing is God's job.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Silence Is Golden...Well Maybe Not Always..

So my husband and I probably fuss pretty regularly, and for two people that have lived together for as long as we have I figure that's pretty normal.  I mean living with anyone for a long time will cause some nerves to be worked now and then. Right?

That being said, we had one the other day, that in retrospect, I have to laugh at.  Needless to say, it was all his fault.

I came walking down the hallway into the den, completely minding my own business.  He looks at me, as I'm walking by, and he says "Why are you ill?  I  paused to process what he had said, and to ask myself if I had heard him correctly.  Deciding that I had, I replied with "I'm not ill.".

His next statement was "Yes you are.  I can tell.".  Well considering I hadn't opened my mouth,  I found myself thinking, Well John Edwards dig deeper into your prophetic talents, and see what my problem is, because I've got nothing.  Trying not to let this turn into a big deal, I responded instead with I haven't even spoken to you.

Not willing to give it up he replies "Yes you did.".  Deciding that he had completely lost it , I kept the line moving and headed on into the kitchen .  I needed Java.  I was just going to let him have that little bit.

What does he do next? He followed me.  I'm standing at the counter in front of the cabinet, and he walks up with an attitude and says "Could you please hand me the Pop Tarts/"

Well now I'm getting mad at all of this unwarranted negativity he's giving me, and so I reach inside
the cabinet and I slam the Pop Tart box down on the counter.  He doesn't say a word he just gets one out and goes back in the den.

Now it's my turn.   After a few minutes pass I decide I can't let it go.  I looked at him from the kitchen and I said "what is your problem this morning?".

His response:  "Don't talk to me."  Well I have to tell you this  middle school reply cracked me up.
I said you must be joking.  He said "Don't talk to me anymore today! I'm done with you!"

I said seriously??? You have created all of this in your rabid little mind and now you aren't talking to me and you have no reason.  What is wrong with you?

That's when he shouted "You broke my Pop Tarts."  I immediately thought dear God, I have married a man with the I.Q. of a toddler.

I looked at him, and after a hard pause, I said "Well what fresh Hell is this that has you eating broken Pop Tarts.  I mean,  your life may as well end now if the rest of your days are going to be as bad as this one.  Lord I thought the economy being in the tank was bad, but bless your heart, I had no idea your Pop Tarts were broken."

I think at this point he knew, on some level, that he was acting like a two year old, but he was to far in.  There was no turning back.  His ego just wouldn't have it.

And so the day rocked on, and the silence resonated throughout the house.  Fast forward to about 8 p.m., and he suddenly walks up to me and says "I'm sorry, I overreacted this morning."  Well now you know my sarcastic self couldn't stop my immediate thought, which was...Overacted?  You made that obnoxious girl who turned blue in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory look like a saint.

Instead of expressing my actual thoughts, and risking round two, I just said "That's fine, but I do have to tell you that if you act this way again tomorrow, I will be forced to take away your recess."  He just chuckled, and I said "No.  Seriously!   Ain't nobody got time for another scene  like we had today.  It was about like one out of War Of The Roses, and  over a broken Pop Tart....No child. No....

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Fifteen, Legal, And Dangerous...Ready, Set, Drive

When I was fifteen years old I wasn't like most teenagers.  I didn't care one whit about learning to drive a car.  However, my identical twin sister did, and all of our young lives if one did something the other did it too, so off to the DMV we went to obtain our learners permits.

I have to tell you, it was a circus from the start, as far as my story goes.  We walked up to the counter with my Mom, and she produced our birth certificates and whatever else was required at the time, and the uptight looking lady behind the counter gave us a little white card to fill out and pointed each of us in the direction of an electronic machine where we were suppose to take our test.

My sister went to her machine, filled out her card, tested, passed, picture made, no problem.  I  on the other hand was a cluster.

 It started when I began to fill out the little white card.  I am left handed and so as I was filling in the blanks I caught out of my peripheral vision the pictures changing in the monitor that displayed the test.  As it turns out I was answering questions with my left forearm as I wrote.  Oh yeah...

After a mini freak out in which I was trying to determine what to do, I decided to approach Ms. Uptight and explain the situation.  You guessed it.  She was not to be swayed by my explanation but agreed to check the machine and see if  my forearm had exceeded the amount of questions you were allowed to get wrong and still  pass the test. I think the number that you were allowed to miss was three.

The evidence showed that my left forearm lacks intelligence as far as the rules of the road go and so Ms. Uptight, no gray area, informed me that she had no choice but to fail me.  She then stated that I could return and try again the following day. Thanks for that.

When we were back in the car with my Mom, she said don't worry, we'll come back tomorrow.  I said I'm not worried I don't care. My mom had different ideas and said that she wanted me to have my permit in case I changed my mind once I saw my sister learning to drive, and so the next day we made a return visit.

This time I managed to keep my forearm in check and I passed the test no problem...I was legal to get behind the wheel of a car...Let the lessons begin.

That evening my Mother got into the car with my sister and I for lesson one. My sister was the first one to drive.  She totally nailed it.  Her ability to drive gave my mother a false sense of security, bless her heart.  She had no clue just how much our abilities could differ.  She was soon enlightened.

My sister stopped the car and I ran around and jumped in the drivers seat.  I began by putting the car in gear and "punching" (I believe that was the word my mother used) the gas. I was oblivious to the fact that my twin hadn't even gotten her door shut yet until my mother yelled "You almost slung your sister out in street.! Arlene you have to wait until all of your passengers have their  doors shut and their seat belts on before you start driving."  I said yes ma'am and continued down the road.

The next "great" move occurred when I made a right turn.  I turned the car so smoothly and straightened it up nicely, and then asked my mom how I had done.  She looked at me, and in her very serious voice said "That was perfect honey. If we were in England!!" I was confused for a moment, but my twin was more than happy to bring me up to speed,  she announced between her bursts of laughter that I was on the wrong side of the road.

I rectified that situation as quickly as I could and then we were rolling along again.  I was doing much better until my mother asked me what the letters stood for by the gear changer knob thing.  She, of course, advised me to keep my eyes on the road and then She began the quiz.

 She said "What's the P stand for?"  I said park or stop or whatever.  She said yes park.  "Now what about the N?"  I said I'm not sure."  She said "it's Neutral Arlene, you can't go anywhere in neutral".  I thought to myself that neutral sounded a lot like park but I kept my mouth shut and then she asked the final question.  "What about the S?"  Well I felt very confident about this one and just knew I was going to wow her with my answer when I said "Oh!! That's for Sideways."

In that moment my mother looked at me like I had lost my mind, and I knew she needed further explanation when she said "Sideways???"  With a questioning look on her face.  Well wanting to clue her in,  I said "You know Mother it's for like when you are on the interstate and you want to change lanes.  You just put the car in sideways and you get over."

I wasn't expecting her response.  She said simply "Arlene, Stop the car."   I asked her why and she said "Just stop the car and I'll explain it all to you when we get home."  She took over the driver's seat and we returned home immediately.

When we entered the house my sister was laughing so hard I believe there were tears, and my mother was totally distraught.  She was trying to explain to my Dad what she had just experienced and when he was finally able to wrap his mind around what all I had done and said during my "lesson".  I heard my mother say she is just dangerous!  My Daddy with his sweet self said "It's okay sugar.  You're just not ready yet."

My mom recovered and I did get my drivers license at sixteen with only one mistake during my test, which was a grand improvement.  I drove the entire test with the emergency brake on.  My sister had gone first and passed so there might have been some sympathy from the poor guy giving me the test, but I can't be sure,  I mean if he didn't see the big red light on I feel sure he could smell it! Lord knows I could.   I have decided, however, that since I have no proof,  I'm going to claim that I was issued a license on pure skill.

I didn't drive very much at first.  I sort of eased into it a little bit at a time, but I feel okay about that now.  I mean sixteen is mighty young to be behind the wheel of a car, and how in the world do they expect you to know all of that.  The drivers test says nothing about which side of the road to be on or what those letters stand for.  They really should have included that in the study Manuel.

Seriously, my mind was probably all clogged up with more important issues like what I was going to wear to the high school football game that Friday night..or the boy I had a crush on at the time...
A girl has to prioritize...

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Age Like A Boss

First and foremost let me say that even though I'm getting a little "long in the tooth" I am very grateful for my days..... So I'm not here to complain about aging...

However....I'm at the age where I do require a little extra maintenance, but I'm no where near ready for the "stretch pant, matching blouse, moo moo"  grandmother look, Even though I am the proud grandmother of two, I have zero intention of ever rocking one of those choices...Can't see it happening...

 I've said all of this to say attention all ladies 50ish in age...get the artillery out.
Artillery: (n) 1. Lotions, creams, concealers, lip plumper, perfume, makeup, moisturizing hair care products, along with  Mani/Pedi's and waxing ...

There is absolutely no shame in all of this..I mean have you seen some of the pictures of models without their makeup...I'm just saying everyone needs a little help..

Very important tip...keep your roots touched up and your hair moisturized!! Silver dry hair is not a youthful look... The silver can look good on some women who are ready to own their number ,, but me?  I'm not quite there yet...

 keep the clothes age appropriate and classy...More on this shortly...

Lotions and creams are vital to your skin.  The older you get the more thirsty your skin, or so I've been told.  Do they work? You might be asking...well Lord... I have no idea, but I will confess to owning just about every one known to man and the bottom line is taking care of yourself feels good and if you feel good you look slather up!

Concealers are another necessity, because we all know that our skin tone hasn't remained as even as we might like, so cover it up girl...cover it up!!

Our top lips seem to become a bit slimmer as we age ladies, so lip plumper will swell them right on up...Dior addict Lip Maximizer is a favorite of mine..Top it off with a nude lipstick or red if you have your sassy pants on, and all is well.

Please keep your nails's a must.  Everyone notices your fingernails..I promise you, and the pedicure is just as important.. believe me men notice, Whether it's your husband or you just get lucky... no one wants to get in bed with feet that look like they've been kicking rocks barefooted....FYI... Red is a favorite.

On to the waxing....keep those eyebrows shaped up...yes the wax can be over warmed at times but it's only for a second and then it's rip and done....wax all other areas that are OOC...(out of control)...nobody wants to see all of that....see paragraph above on getting lucky. Lastly shave those legs...daily...Don't be that woman in the dead of winter time that looks like she's just came from the brush....I'm mean seriously...not a good look.

Wear perfume that suits your mood.  Myself, I have a plethora of fragrances because I love it...I look on the dresser in my room each morning and I just know which one I want to wear...It just comes to me ...and I personally believe a man likes a woman that smells nice, but even without the man you should smell nice for you!! Again...people notice.

Now the wardrobe...we've all seen them..the older women walking around in short skirts, short shorts, bellies exposed, Ta Ta's popping out, of a crop top..let me just say to them now...Make it stop!! Dear Lord please take yourselves to the mall and buy a nice shift dress in a solid color and put some pearls and matching pumps on,.You are killing me!!

Back to the clothes...A classy look can be very much better than a woman our age that thinks she rocking a mini skirt and heavy makeup, but in actuality When she turns around she looks more like her fairy godmother went all Bibbiti Bobbiti Boo on her age, and the clock has definitely struck midnight and all that remains are the clothes...We don't want to be that's simply tragic...

All this being said...go out ladies and find your sexy self and take care of her as long as there is breath in your body, or til Jesus are worth it!!

If you are married, he Should appreciate it..if not do it for you...

Single it for yourselves first, but then I have one other word for you... "lucky"..

My love to you all!!

Thursday, May 28, 2015

"Crying In The Chapel" (Written 3yrs prior to my father's passing..Published after for obvious reasons)

My parents have been divorced for 22 years. They have both dated different people during that time, some of which I have approved of and some of which...well let's just say not so much.

I have never considered how I would feel if one of them remarried because none of their relationships seemed to be heading in the direction of the whole rings and vows ceremony...Until about six months ago, when I got a call from my father. He had one question for me...How would I feel if he got married?...

My reaction was immediate..I felt the sting of tears in my eyes and nearly choked on the softball sized knot that was forming in my throat. He's been seeing this same woman for a few years and so my siblings and I have gotten to know her.

Knowing her led me to have a fleeting thought, along with my tears and choking. When I heard his question...I thought "Oh God...the duct tape I'm going to have to wear over my mouth to keep me from speaking now or forever holding my peace is not going to look good at all with my dress......

Sharing my true feelings with my Dad at that point just didn't seem right, so I did what every good daughter, who was raised right, would do, and I said simply..." I love you Daddy, and I want you to be happy, so if that would make you happy, then I am happy for you."

Well, as the last few months passed by, without another mention of this, I was sure that my father had changed his mind. I was wrong...The wedding is today.

Now before you think that I am a horrible person, let the record show that I'm not, but...she is......

She is the worst kind of woman. She does all of her evil in a way that I call "around the corner" When I say around the corner, I mean when no one else, (especially my father) but her intended victim can see or hear her. Now to further clarify let me define victim for you in this instance... Victim: Any one of my father's five children.

I think that she says and does things in this manner so that just in case we have any great ideas like trying to clue our father in he'll think we have lost our minds and his response will be something like "y'all are wrong, she's such a sweet woman".....or "I've never seen her do or say anything out of the way towards any of you".

Sweet woman? Sweet like the Wicked Witch of the West..Lord when the Minister says I now pronounce you husband and wife, she'll probably yell "Release the flying monkeys!", at which point my Dad may begin to see her true colors, but it will be to late for him then...Bless his heart, even if I put red glitter on his shoes and he clicked his heels together three times..when he got home she'd be there..wives live with their husbands..

The bottom line is I love my Father with all of my heart, and I will be at that wedding today...handkerchief in hand...I will hug him and kiss his cheek and tell him that I wish him all of the happiness in the world..and that will all be true...

I will also be sending up a prayer that the Lord doesn't let me lay eyes on a bucket of water during the ceremony...I mean the last words spoken at a wedding really should be you may kiss your bride, not "I'm melting".......
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