Wednesday, May 11, 2011

"I Am Reminded"

The past two months have been relatively stressful for me. I was sitting at my desk one night, deep in thought, or at least as deep in thought as I can get, about Lord only knows what, when I propped my chin in my hand.

Just as soon as my chin begin to rest there, I felt suddenly alarmed. Alarmed because I felt a knot in the right side of my neck.

I sat there stunned for a minute, and then I got up and went into the living room where my husband was sitting. I told him about my discovery and he said he'd go with me to the doctor to have it looked at.

My Doctor put me on antibiotics and said he thought it was just a swollen lymph node. He said to come back after I had finished taking the prescription that he gave me.

Well.. as the run of antibiotics began nearing the end, I knew that they hadn't worked. The lump was in fact much bigger than when I had gone to the doctor initially.

The second appointment day came and as soon as my doctor felt my neck, he looked me right in the eyes and said "Oooh this is not normal". "I am sending you to a specialist" Wow..nothing like someone shooting from the hip..especially when they are telling you what you don't want to hear..

This led to CTs, ultrasounds, thyroid tests, blood tests and every other kind of test you can think of. They were all scheduled very quickly and I heard the word stat much more often than I cared to.

My husband attended these appointments with me, but he didn't have near the anxiety that I had about it all. I know this because he was doing things at the appointments like reading children's books with titles like Peek-A-Boo I See You, while we were in the exam room.

I can also report that he was captured in photographs wearing a bright blue latex glove... on his head. If memory serves me correctly there are at least three different poses.

The specialist my primary care doctor had referred me to was an ENT who performed a biopsy on my first visit to his office. I waited for the results for two weeks and they were determined to be inconclusive..I went back to the Doctor and had a second biopsy and waited again...results?? Yep...ditto..inconclusive...

At this point the ENT called and told me that I needed surgery to remove the mass. I said are you sure? Like he might not have been???....He then assured me that he was, and said that it would be in my best interest.

My surgery was scheduled for May the 4Th and my anxiety level sky rocketed to the point of waking me up during what little sleep I was managing to get. Now don't get me wrong, I am a christian and I gave my worries to God several times about this whole thing, but Bottom line.... I was horrified at the thought of having my neck cut open.

I discussed this with my doctor to such great length that I believe my medical chart now reads diagnosis.."White Coat Syndrome". Evidently that is an actual diagnosis for people, such as myself, who are neurotic, and behave as I do when they are in the presence of their physician.

The surgeon I see is a wonderful Doctor and human being. I know the wonderful doctor part to be true, because I googled him. That's right... I did. I mean you have to investigate someone who is going to have a scalpel and be working that near your carotid artery and jugular vein right?

Upon my investigation, I discovered that he was a Yale graduate with 34 years experience and no history of malpractice suits..Awesome...

I say that he is a wonderful human being because he spent time with me...lots of time... During one of my appointments he was actually in the exam room with me for an hour. He answered my crazy questions and tried his very best to calm my concerns.

This man even listened intently as I explained to him that I would really appreciate him making the incision in one of my forty something year old neck wrinkles, so that it would be less visible when I wear my pearls.

He smiled at me, and then, with the patience of Job, responded by saying that he would be happy to pinch up my skin and see what he could do...I'm not trying to sound like a terrible person full of vanity, but it doesn't hurt to ask..right??

Well the surgery day, and hospital stay came and went. The tube has been removed and the bandage is off. The prayers of my family and friends were answered when my pathology report came back to reveal that this was not Cancer.

There is nothing that I can write here that could begin to cover the way the out pouring of care and concern and prayers for me made me feel. I am overcome with emotion when I think about it.

I will be honest and say that when I looked in the mirror the first time, tears fell...

They fell for the all of the love that came my way, for all of the anxiety I had suffered, for the pain, and for the relief of my test results, but most of all, for God answering prayers for me yet again...

You see this isn't my first scare, and the last time I just prayed for God to let me live long enough to see my children grow up. My baby is twenty years old now, and during all of this, I kept thinking this could very well be all that I get.

I am very appreciative of the years that I have been given so far, and Lord I don't mean to sound selfish, but I do want to see my grand babies grow up.

To be totally honest with you my tears also fell because I am human, and the red slash mark that is the visible evidence of all that I have gone through is a bit hard for me to look at....

My surgeon did an excellent job, and the scar will be in a crease and will eventually fade to virtually invisible. I am grateful for that. What will not fade for me, however, is the memory of the many prayers, calls, concerns and I love yous, that were sent my way during this time..

I am reminded by all of this to live life, and that in love, family, and friendships...God has made me a very rich woman...
 
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