"Oh Lord... When I Wasn't Looking, They Let Him Retire"

My husband, after working in law enforcement for 27 years, retired approximately one month ago.

Things were going just fine and then it happened...The county he worked for offered an early retirement with no penalties, and the next thing I knew, he was calling me at work to say that he had turned his paperwork in and taken their offer.

He was very pleased with his decision. I could hear it in his voice. I, on the other hand, developed a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach the minute he said it. I felt this way for one reason. He does "great things" when he gets bored.

You see, I already know how dangerous my husband can be when he is given to much free time, and the thought of him having free time until Jesus comes.....well...lets just say it was all I could do not to drop to my knees right then and there to pray for the rapture .

Let me just explain to you that We are talking about a man that once, while out of work following a surgery, had our kitchen wallpaper changed from blue to green, in the exact same pattern, for lack of anything better to do. If you weren't a resident in our home you would never have known, and yet he, in all of his idle time, managed to ascertain that it was well worth the few hundred dollars he spent to have it done.

When I hung up the phone from hearing his big announcement, I felt a little ashamed of myself for having that feeling, so I pushed it to the back of my mind and called him back to say Congratulations, you've earned it, and I am proud of you. I told him I loved him and hung up the phone again.

I did actually feel all of those things that I had said to him, but as his last day on the police force drew nearer my fears began to resurface, and as it turns out, they were quite valid.

In less than 24 hours after he completed his final shift as Lieutenant Foster, he began a new full time job. He became a husband at large/project manager with a side mission to drive his wife completely over the edge...with all work done on a volunteer basis.

He began his first afternoon by wandering into my office, where he quickly discovered that I had left my facebook page up and so he felt compelled to change my status for me. He wrote something like, "I just came in from work and found my husband in the backyard,standing naked on the diving board, eating a taco, and he has written the word retired across his chest with a black sharpie. The neighbor is yelling over the fence at him to put some clothes on, and our minister is at the front door"....Nice right?

He followed up his facebook fun by beginning some "projects around the house. I say projects because there are several, and all in different locations. Now...one month later none of the projects are complete, but he has, however, made great strides in his overall mission to drive me insane..I am well on my way.

He has been making daily trips to places like Lowes, Home Depot, and Ace Hardware. During these said trips he has purchased at least 20 samples of paint which he has applied in various places throughout the house, including the hallway, guest bathroom, and garage.

The garage wall now has about six different squares of color samples painted on it. When my husband asked me the other day for my opinion, I just looked at him and said..."I say you keep going to Lowes and buying paint samples and go with patchwork..I'm over it".

I also have to add that my husband has never been big on painting. He had a plan to hire someone to do it all for him, after his color decisions were made, but I told him that I had painted in the past many times, and that we could do it together.

I thought I had him convinced, but then he painted the vanity in the guest bath last night..that was all she wrote..he came out and said that he was not going to be able to paint after all, because his shoulder was killing him.

I said to him that I knew he had a shoulder issue, so he could just sit on the floor and paint a few inches up from the baseboards ..the trim work ...oh no..he wasn't hearing that..so the situation now was that there were several different colors painted all over the walls in different rooms, and he had just declared himself physically unable to do the job.....Wonderful! Perfect!

At that moment I did what every good christian that doesn't want to break one of God's commandments would have done...I stopped and prayed for the Lord not to let me kill him.

He's had many other activities going on other than trying to make his paint color decisions. He's had men out to the house giving him estimates on some other things he wants done. He's taken down mirrors, light fixtures, changed door knobs, you name it, he's done it, or spent time thinking about doing it.

Things in several parts of our home are now works in progress...he's like a toddler on a rampage....and I know I'm going to spend a huge part of the rest of my summer vacation seeing his "projects" through to completion.

I cannot, to save his life, or my sanity , get this man to focus on one thing at a time. I do appreciate his hard work and ideas. After all, he does have some good ideas. I also have the ability to recognize that it's hard work taking mirrors and lights and things down leaving gaping holes in the walls....not to mention all of the sample paint squares he's had to apply in various locations. Yes sir there is no doubt about it, this man has been working hard...

I just desperately wish he'd try keeping his work a bit more contained to one area at a time...Maybe if he actually had the ability to define the word focus...but no his mind spins at the rate of a roulette wheel...it's like what project can I start next....place your bets, place your bets...

I have spent the last 27 years, while he was on the police force, praying for his safety. I thought that when he retired I'd be able to stop doing that. I was wrong....

Now, I not only have to pray for his safety, I also have to pray for the Lord to grant me enough patience to keep me off the news.....

"Bless Her Heart"

I was thinking today that we Southern women have tempers just like everyone else. I was also thinking that when we do get mad and decide to say something to another person, who has caused us to find ourselves in such a state, we attempt to do so politely. We were, after all, taught to always use our manners.

I will give you a few examples. A woman who isn't from the south might just yell and scream, if she gets mad, but not us. We would say something to let others know we're not happy with them and follow it up with "bless your heart"...

Example: "Honey You're about to be "taken out on the veranda" and you haven't the slightest clue what's coming, bless your heart." A trip out onto the veranda means you're about to get a verbal tongue lashing like you haven't ever heard. I'm talking about a lecture so intense we may not even pause to breathe during it's delivery. These are given when it becomes necessary to "set someone straight", so to speak.

Bless your heart is also used at other times, such as when a group of women are talking about one particular person that they have a strong dislike for. I say dislike because we never say we hate someone. We say we dislike them, or that we don't particularly care for them..

Example: If a woman was acting as if she thought she was better than the other ladies, they might say something like "Her nose is so high in the air, if it rains she'll drowned, bless her heart." The added statement of bless your heart making it sound as if we are expressing concern for her well being.

.. or maybe we might start with Bless her heart and say something like; "Bless her heart, look at that dress, her taste is all in her mouth".

Sometimes it's even simpler and more direct than that, like..."She's such a miserable witch, bless her heart". Bless her heart, in this case, enabling any listeners to have the slightest doubt about whether or not the fact that she is a witch is entirely her fault..almost as if the poor thing may not be able help the way she acts.

This phrase is so wonderful and versatile it even works in the middle of a sentence.
Example: "She can't help it, bless her heart, she's just straight crazy."

I do have to mention that this phrase is also commonly used when we are expressing sympathy for a person. It makes sympathy, when given, seem even more sincere, and when we are speaking about someone in a derogatory manner, it does take the edge right off of rude and nasty, doesn't it?

I have certainly said my share of bless your hearts when I've gotten upset or had a dislike for someone, and I will tell you, that I've had people walk away from me so confused they aren't sure if they can't stand me, or want to come back for tea one afternoon...