Shave Him Down And Teach Him To Speak

My husband retired from the DeKalb County Police Department about a year and a half ago. I had no idea once this happened that not only his fashion sense would run wilder than usual, but he had also made two choices:

1. Retire

2. Never utilize a razor again.

For our entire marriage, up until his retirement, he was a police officer, and so he was always clean shaven and kept his hair cut. Well much to my surprise when the job went so did his self-maintenance.

Now he has grown himself a beard that is an unbelievable mess. I don't mean he has a beard which he trims and keeps neat that I just don't care for, I literally mean the man no longer picks up a razor, period. He looks atrocious. The clothes he chooses combined with the Grizzly Adams facial hair are killing me......

One of his fine ensembles from the other night included a t-shirt, khaki shorts that are worn out, complete with several holes (Even though he owns a dozen pair of perfectly good ones.), a pair of bright colored soccer socks pulled all the way up to the knees, with some random tennis shoes in a bright color. Now combine that with the long hair and a beard gone wild and try to assemble yourself a visual.

When he was about to go out the door and into the public one afternoon, I stopped him and said "Can I ask you something?". He said "sure". I said "Are you in the witness protection program?, Because if you are I just want to say good job on the disguise!! You look nothing at all like the man I married, as a matter of a fact I wouldn't even go on a date with you."

He just sort of chuckled at me, and I said No, I'm serious, because the only reason I could imagine you wanting to walk around looking the way you do right now would be to save your own life....he went right out the door..

It has gotten so bad that one afternoon when we stopped for gas and he went inside to pay and get a drink, he was counting out change for the tax and because of the way he looked the store owner offered to let him wash the windows for money....

I mean have you ever? I can not believe that as handsome as he is, he'd rather present himself in public looking as though, for lack of a better phrase, he has been "dug up!" I actually had a friend, after seeing a recent picture of my husband, comment that his new "look" was grounds for divorce.

I have pleaded with him over and over again to shave and get a hair cut, and I always get the same response: "I have shaved every day for almost 30 years and I'm tired of it." I finally told him that I am getting scared, to which he replied, scared of what? I said scared that the primitive caveman look you've got going will cause you to regress to a point where I will have to take matters into my own hands.

He looked at me very seriously and said "What do you mean?" I said, I mean I am scared there will come a time when I am going to have to shave you down and teach you to speak because your brain will have made contact with your new look in a random mirror somewhere, and so as to unite the two(the brain and the look), you will be reduced to making guttural noises.

None of this seems to shake my husbands resolve about the whole matter. He is somewhat like a defiant teenager about it all. At this point, when he can't find something I probably need to remind him to check his beard....Lost keys? Wallet? Check that beard...it could hide any number of things.

I'm not even asking that he take the beard off completely...I mean can I just get a trim..take a brush to it..and maybe he could just once wear two articles of clothing at one time that actually match...

Lord have mercy I am so over it all. He seriously looks so bad that I have refused to kiss him again until he shaves or Jesus comes...

He really leaves me no choice. I am just going to have to contact Carson Kressley and plead for a Queer Eye For The Straight Guy reunion......