Fifteen, Legal, And Dangerous...Ready, Set, Drive

When I was fifteen years old I wasn't like most teenagers.  I didn't care one whit about learning to drive a car.  However, my identical twin sister did, and all of our young lives if one did something the other did it too, so off to the DMV we went to obtain our learners permits.

I have to tell you, it was a circus from the start, as far as my story goes.  We walked up to the counter with my Mom, and she produced our birth certificates and whatever else was required at the time, and the uptight looking lady behind the counter gave us a little white card to fill out and pointed each of us in the direction of an electronic machine where we were suppose to take our test.

My sister went to her machine, filled out her card, tested, passed, picture made, no problem.  I  on the other hand was a cluster.

 It started when I began to fill out the little white card.  I am left handed and so as I was filling in the blanks I caught out of my peripheral vision the pictures changing in the monitor that displayed the test.  As it turns out I was answering questions with my left forearm as I wrote.  Oh yeah...

After a mini freak out in which I was trying to determine what to do, I decided to approach Ms. Uptight and explain the situation.  You guessed it.  She was not to be swayed by my explanation but agreed to check the machine and see if  my forearm had exceeded the amount of questions you were allowed to get wrong and still  pass the test. I think the number that you were allowed to miss was three.

The evidence showed that my left forearm lacks intelligence as far as the rules of the road go and so Ms. Uptight, no gray area, informed me that she had no choice but to fail me.  She then stated that I could return and try again the following day. Thanks for that.

When we were back in the car with my Mom, she said don't worry, we'll come back tomorrow.  I said I'm not worried I don't care. My mom had different ideas and said that she wanted me to have my permit in case I changed my mind once I saw my sister learning to drive, and so the next day we made a return visit.

This time I managed to keep my forearm in check and I passed the test no problem...I was legal to get behind the wheel of a car...Let the lessons begin.

That evening my Mother got into the car with my sister and I for lesson one. My sister was the first one to drive.  She totally nailed it.  Her ability to drive gave my mother a false sense of security, bless her heart.  She had no clue just how much our abilities could differ.  She was soon enlightened.

My sister stopped the car and I ran around and jumped in the drivers seat.  I began by putting the car in gear and "punching" (I believe that was the word my mother used) the gas. I was oblivious to the fact that my twin hadn't even gotten her door shut yet until my mother yelled "You almost slung your sister out in street.! Arlene you have to wait until all of your passengers have their  doors shut and their seat belts on before you start driving."  I said yes ma'am and continued down the road.

The next "great" move occurred when I made a right turn.  I turned the car so smoothly and straightened it up nicely, and then asked my mom how I had done.  She looked at me, and in her very serious voice said "That was perfect honey. If we were in England!!" I was confused for a moment, but my twin was more than happy to bring me up to speed,  she announced between her bursts of laughter that I was on the wrong side of the road.

I rectified that situation as quickly as I could and then we were rolling along again.  I was doing much better until my mother asked me what the letters stood for by the gear changer knob thing.  She, of course, advised me to keep my eyes on the road and then She began the quiz.

 She said "What's the P stand for?"  I said park or stop or whatever.  She said yes park.  "Now what about the N?"  I said I'm not sure."  She said "it's Neutral Arlene, you can't go anywhere in neutral".  I thought to myself that neutral sounded a lot like park but I kept my mouth shut and then she asked the final question.  "What about the S?"  Well I felt very confident about this one and just knew I was going to wow her with my answer when I said "Oh!! That's for Sideways."

In that moment my mother looked at me like I had lost my mind, and I knew she needed further explanation when she said "Sideways???"  With a questioning look on her face.  Well wanting to clue her in,  I said "You know Mother it's for like when you are on the interstate and you want to change lanes.  You just put the car in sideways and you get over."

I wasn't expecting her response.  She said simply "Arlene, Stop the car."   I asked her why and she said "Just stop the car and I'll explain it all to you when we get home."  She took over the driver's seat and we returned home immediately.

When we entered the house my sister was laughing so hard I believe there were tears, and my mother was totally distraught.  She was trying to explain to my Dad what she had just experienced and when he was finally able to wrap his mind around what all I had done and said during my "lesson".  I heard my mother say she is just dangerous!  My Daddy with his sweet self said "It's okay sugar.  You're just not ready yet."

My mom recovered and I did get my drivers license at sixteen with only one mistake during my test, which was a grand improvement.  I drove the entire test with the emergency brake on.  My sister had gone first and passed so there might have been some sympathy from the poor guy giving me the test, but I can't be sure,  I mean if he didn't see the big red light on I feel sure he could smell it! Lord knows I could.   I have decided, however, that since I have no proof,  I'm going to claim that I was issued a license on pure skill.

I didn't drive very much at first.  I sort of eased into it a little bit at a time, but I feel okay about that now.  I mean sixteen is mighty young to be behind the wheel of a car, and how in the world do they expect you to know all of that.  The drivers test says nothing about which side of the road to be on or what those letters stand for.  They really should have included that in the study Manuel.

Seriously, my mind was probably all clogged up with more important issues like what I was going to wear to the high school football game that Friday night..or the boy I had a crush on at the time...
A girl has to prioritize...

Age Like A Boss

First and foremost let me say that even though I'm getting a little "long in the tooth" I am very grateful for my days..... So I'm not here to complain about aging...

However....I'm at the age where I do require a little extra maintenance, but I'm no where near ready for the "stretch pant, matching blouse, moo moo"  grandmother look, Even though I am the proud grandmother of two, I have zero intention of ever rocking one of those choices...Can't see it happening...

 I've said all of this to say attention all ladies 50ish in age...get the artillery out.
Artillery: (n) 1. Lotions, creams, concealers, lip plumper, perfume, makeup, moisturizing hair care products, along with  Mani/Pedi's and waxing ...

There is absolutely no shame in all of this..I mean have you seen some of the pictures of models without their makeup...I'm just saying everyone needs a little help..

Very important tip...keep your roots touched up and your hair moisturized!! Silver dry hair is not a youthful look... The silver can look good on some women who are ready to own their number ,, but me?  I'm not quite there yet...

 keep the clothes age appropriate and classy...More on this shortly...

Lotions and creams are vital to your skin.  The older you get the more thirsty your skin, or so I've been told.  Do they work? You might be asking...well Lord... I have no idea, but I will confess to owning just about every one known to man and the bottom line is taking care of yourself feels good and if you feel good you look good...so slather up!

Concealers are another necessity, because we all know that our skin tone hasn't remained as even as we might like, so cover it up girl...cover it up!!

Our top lips seem to become a bit slimmer as we age ladies, so lip plumper will swell them right on up...Dior addict Lip Maximizer is a favorite of mine..Top it off with a nude lipstick or red if you have your sassy pants on, and all is well.

Please keep your nails done...it's a must.  Everyone notices your fingernails..I promise you, and the pedicure is just as important.. believe me men notice.  No one wants to get in bed with feet that look like they've been kicking rocks barefooted....FYI... Red is a favorite.

On to the waxing....keep those eyebrows shaped up...yes the wax can be over warmed at times but it's only for a second and then it's rip and done....wax all other areas that are OOC...(out of control)..Lastly shave those legs...daily...Don't be that woman in the dead of winter time that looks like she's just came from the brush....I'm mean seriously...not a good look.

Wear perfume that suits your mood.  Myself, I have a plethora of fragrances because I love it...I look on the dresser in my room each morning and I just know which one I want to wear...It just comes to me.  I personally believe a man likes a woman that smells nice, but even without the man you should smell nice for you!! Again...people notice.

Now the wardrobe...we've all seen them..the older women walking around in short skirts, short shorts, bellies exposed, Ta Ta's popping out, of a crop top..let me just say to them now...Make it stop!! Dear Lord please take yourselves to the mall and buy a nice shift dress in a solid color and put some pearls and matching pumps on,.You are killing me!!

Back to the clothes...A classy look can be very sexy..so much better than a woman our age that thinks she rocking a mini skirt and heavy makeup, but in actuality When she turns around she looks more like her fairy godmother went all Bibbiti Bobbiti Boo on her age, and the clock has definitely struck midnight and all that remains are the clothes...We don't want to be that woman...trust me...it's simply tragic...

All this being said...go out ladies and find your sexy self and take care of her as long as there is breath in your body, or til Jesus comes...you are worth it!!

If you are married, he Should appreciate it, if not do it for you...



My love to you all!!

Crying In The Chapel (Written 3yrs prior to my father's passing published after for obvious reasons)

My parents have been divorced for 22 years. They have both dated different people during that time, some of which I have approved of and some of which...well let's just say not so much.

I have never considered how I would feel if one of them remarried because none of their relationships seemed to be heading in the direction of the whole rings and vows ceremony...Until about six months ago, when I got a call from my Daddy. He had one question for me...How would I feel if he got married?...

My reaction was immediate. I felt the sting of tears in my eyes and nearly choked on the softball sized knot that was forming in my throat. He's been seeing this same woman for a few years and so my siblings and I have gotten to know her.

Knowing her led me to have a fleeting thought, along with my tears and choking. When I heard his question...I thought "Oh God...the duct tape I'm going to have to wear over my mouth to keep me from speaking now or forever holding my peace is not going to look good at all with my dress......

Sharing my true feelings with my Dad at that point just didn't seem right, so I did what every good daughter, who was raised right, would do, and I said simply..." I love you Daddy, and I want you to be happy, so if that would make you happy, then I am happy for you."

Myself and my siblings immediately coined the phrase "Get on board" in reference to the upcoming

nuptials. We were just trying to accept the inevitable.  It was a coping mechanism of sorts.   

Well, as the last few months passed by, without another mention of this, I was sure that my father had changed his mind. I was wrong...The wedding is today.

Now before you think that I am a horrible person, let the record show that I'm not, but...she is......

She is the worst kind of woman. She does all of her evil in a way that I call "around the corner" When I say around the corner, I mean when no one else, (especially my father) but her intended victim can see or hear her. Now to further clarify let me define victim for you in this instance... Victim: Any one of my father's five children.

I think that she says and does things in this manner so that just in case we have any great ideas like trying to clue our father in he'll think we have lost our minds and his response will be something like "y'all are wrong, she's such a sweet woman".....or "I've never seen her do or say anything out of the way towards any of you".

Sweet woman? Sweet like the Wicked Witch of the West. Lord when the Minister says I now pronounce you husband and wife, she'll probably yell "Release the flying monkeys!", at which point my Dad may begin to see her true colors, but it will be to late for him then...Bless his heart, even if I put red glitter on his shoes and he clicked his heels together three times, when he got home she'd be there. Wives live with their husbands..

  

The bottom line is I love my Father with all of my heart, and I  will be there for him...handkerchief in hand...I will hug him and kiss his cheek and tell him that I wish him all of the happiness in the world, and that will all be true...

I will also be sending up a prayer that the Lord doesn't let me lay eyes on a bucket of water during the ceremony...I mean the last words spoken at a wedding really should be you may kiss your bride, not "I'm melting".....

During the ceremony I was seriously fighting back tears and as it turns out my twin sister was my saving grace.  Just as my tears were about to spill down my cheeks she nudged me, pushed the sleeve up on her sweater and there written on her forearm with black sharpie were the words "Get on board"...I couldn't help but crack up! 

In Your Easter Bonnet

It's springtime in Atlanta and I love it.  The peach trees that line Peachtree Street blossom and the sun casts a warm glow on my face when I step outside.  It is a wonderful time of year.  Everything around awakens from it's Winters rest, and I am reminded that Christ rose after dying for my sins. Easter Sunday arrives and  Everything echos of new beginnings.

All of this takes me back to many fond childhood memories.  One of my favorite is that of shopping for my Easter dress.   I can remember year after year from probably about the age of five that all my mother had to do was mention going downtown to shop and I would be at the door, fancy dress, patent leather shoes and gloves on, purse in hand.

We would arrive downtown and begin to walk the sidewalks of Atlanta going from one department store to the next in search of the perfect dress.  I can close my eyes and hear my patent leather shoes meeting the sidewalk generating a sound that in my little mind very closely mimicked that of my Mother's high heel shoes as she walked beside me.  I loved it.

Eventually I would find a dress.  I would be thrilled with the dress each year, but as soon as it was purchased I was faced with a whole new set of needs.  Yes when I was a little girl I "neeeeeeded" everything.  I would need a crinoline slip, turn down socks with ruffles (of course, I wanted hose, but for years my poor mother had to explain to me that I was entirely to young for that), new gloves, jewelry, a new purse, and without fail a hat.

We would shop all day and then we would head to The Magnolia Room.  The Magnolia Room was a tearoom that reeked of southern charm.  I remember sitting down at the table and watching my mother so as to know the exact moment to remove my white gloves and place them in my purse.

My mother and I would sit there and sip our tea.  We would discuss our purchases, and decide if we had a need for anything more, as we waited on our lunch to arrive.  After lunch we would take care of any forgotten purchases and return home.

I would spend the next week or so anxiously awaiting the arrival of Easter morning so that I could get my fancy on.  When it finally arrived I would jump up out of bed and begin to get ready in slow stages, making a production out of the entire process.

 I knew the story of Easter and how Christ had died for my sins, my Mama and Daddy made sure of it.  I greatly appreciated and still do all that Christ had done, and had said as much in prayer, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't also grateful for the opportunity to take fancy over the top.  I always dressed with crinolines and pretty dresses but there was just something about Easter allowing me to take it to a whole new level that thrilled me beyond words.

I feel absolutely certain that my prissy behavior bordered on ridiculous on Easter Sunday's.  To be honest it probably bordered on ridiculous most days and still does, but these memories made with my Mama are forever treasures to me.

I am sure that there are many parents out there that still honor the traditions today of  Sunday morning church service and new Easter clothes for their sweet children and that warms my heart.

Y'all just don't forget to stop and give our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ thanks for all that he went through for us, and for our salvation.  May God bless each and every one of you...

Now if y'all will excuse me, Easter Sunday is in just a few days and I neeeeeeed to go and purchase myself some new fancy...

Live Fancy

I was just sitting at home one day and I glanced over at my china cabinet, which is full of Old Country Roses china.  I thought to myself how beautiful the pattern is and how much I love it.

My second thought came in the form of a question.  That question was why do I leave it all shut up in the cabinet looking pretty when I could be using it?  I don’t mean in a formal dinner type fashion, I mean in a day to day way.

My thoughts then began to wander to other “fine” things put away for the perfect moment to use them or the right people to share them with.
 

As this thought process began to unfold, it turns out that my china was only “the tip of the iceberg” so to speak.

I began to think about using my crystal wine glasses, having fresh flowers just for me, wearing my finer lingerie every night, breaking out the finer teas and coffees, usually reserved for when guests are in the house, pinning my hair up in the mornings with my crystal hairpins to drink my coffee, wearing my expensive perfumes even if I’m not leaving the house that day, using a linen hanky for those tears, and the list goes on….

Now don’t get me wrong I heard a little voice that said the china could break, the lingerie will wear out, you should save it for special occasions or girl trips, and those crystal hairpins are for a night out somewhere special..

Well... I just turned the volume down to zero on all of that noise and found myself drinking my coffee right out of one of my china cups the next morning, wearing silk pajamas , hair up with crystal pins and I am here to tell you it felt good!!

I thought to myself right then and there from now on I am going to live life playing lady.  Just like a little girl that fancies up for a tea party, and best believe it was on…
 

I’m sure at times it borders on ridiculous, and I might very well, on some mornings, look like a leftover from prom night, but I just refuse to die with a bunch of life’s finer things stashed away in my drawers or shut up in a cabinet while I live life drinking out of some old random coffee mug, wearing an old t-shirt.

Now some of you may say I don’t have china and things like that.  Well I say to that…get yourself to T. J. Maxx or somewhere like that and purchase yourself a china cup and saucer at a good price. You might be thinking that fresh flowers are costly…Honey go outside and pick you some..I’m telling you God provides!! A dollar store vase later and you are in business!

What I’m saying is, where there is a will there is a better way to spend your day to day life. "Dress it up”.

Keep your mani-pedi fresh, even if you have to do it yourself.  When you have completed your morning teeth brushing ritual apply, some shiny lip gloss…get your shine on for coffee time!

After a long day,  get that hot bath, drop a little of your favorite perfume in the water, light a candle.

Give or get yourself a facial, wear those pearls, put a ribbon on it…Now I’m not saying whether I do or do not own and occasionally wear a tiara..I’m just saying in life, who or wherever you are…fancy feels good!!  After all you are a child of the Almighty God!

Come on y’all ..”Live fancy”..trust me…You are worth it!!  

Football: Coaches ...Y'all Listen Up!

Several years back , during my substitute teaching years, I accepted a job at a local high school where I  covered a gym class for a couple of weeks.  The first day,  I admit, even the process of  figuring out what to wear was a challenge.  After several outfit changes, I settled on a running suit, jacket left open, with a  matching t-shirt underneath.

I should have known I was in trouble when my daughter, a teenager at the time , had to tell me to “lose the pearls.”.  At any rate when I arrived I was informed that the class was made up of the football team and surprise, they were working on plays.

Football at the time was as foreign to me as sleeping in an igloo.   I had nothing.  The class began and they informed me that after attendance we went outside to “run plays”.

 That’s when one very vocal young man told me that I was to remain in the position of “Center” for the entire time.  I thought, well that makes sense.  I will be in the middle of everything and I can keep an eye on all of them.. So I said fine, you can show me what to do when we get outside.

As it turns out, the center is the one who hikes the ball and the quarterback places his hands right up between the Center’s legs so as not to fumble the ball.   Oh yeah, the vocal one that told me I was to be the center, he was the quarterback.…those kids had jokes.

At any rate, after those two weeks were done, I began to take a bit more interest in football and learning what it’s all about.  I watched more games and I even started a fantasy football league and have continued to do so every year.

These days I know quite a bit more than I did back in my “Center” days.  In fact, I have a few tips for the coaches out there….there are tips here for Coaches of teams of all ages , professional, college , high school, middle school and little league.

Coaches, y’all listen up…

Coaches of children…if it is 100 degrees outside or anywhere near that number, the children can’t run until they vomit and then be made to continue to run.  The body can only handle so much …heat strokes and worse have happened….take those babies inside and teach them about good sportsmanship, playbooks and the love of the game.

Offensive Coaches…if you are continuing to run the ball up the middle, and it’s NOT working…and I’m not talking about two or three plays. I’m talking about year after year, season, after season…You have another option (shocking, I know).  Put it in the air.  Pass it.  You can actually score this way…I’ve seen it done.  Some Coaches actually apply this tactic…but for the ones who don’t....Trust me. Try it.  If you are in a paid position you may actually keep your job. 

Defensive Coaches.. if your linemen are blocking like a bunch of high school girls during a powder puff football game, get new players…Send the old ones packing…you can’t make them want it.

All Coaches…This is an important one…If you are one of those that completely loses your cool on the sidelines after a bad play or call…Please know this…We, the fans, can see you....Whether we are there in the stands, or watching from the comfort of our home, and Crazy eyes are not very unbecoming.  So get it together…look tough, not crazy…set your jaw and keep your game face on!

Coaches and Owners… In the case of the NFL players of all positions …if they aren’t getting the job done with what they get paid to do it,  then trust me when I tell you, there is someone else a little tougher and hungrier out there that will!!  Get your trade on.

Another tip for not only the NFL Coaches and Owners, but for the Commissioner…No one wants to watch criminals play football!!! If they are beating women, stealing things, or getting arrested for other reasons not listed here..brace yourselves…They CAN be replaced….People want to watch a football game played by respectable men that young boys can look up to, not a game that looks like a reality T.V. version of the longest yard.

I admit that I have a lot to learn about the game, and I’m working on that.  Who knows they may actually have women coaches in the NFL one day and I’ve got to be ready…

West Palm Beach With My Girls

I recently went on a trip with my twin sister and two of my best friends to spend time with another of our friends at her condo in West Palm Beach.  We had the car loaded down with suitcases containing clothes for all occasions, shoes, hair products, and every cosmetic known to man.

The road trip alone was so much fun.  We laughed and sang as loud as we could along with the radio, and we told lots of stories that began with remember when….

When we arrived at the Condo, the concierge (my friend lives fancy) came out with a rolling cart for our luggage and we were still singing and laughing. That night we all hugged, laughed, and remembered more, and then we paired up for bed and called it a night.

We spent the next few days entertaining ourselves and doing whatever our spirits moved us to do.  We ate great food in nice restaurants and we shopped from City Walk to Worth Avenue.  

While at City Walk, in an absolutely adorable candy shop, my twin sister stopped suddenly and began a Temptations style dance routine because My Girl was playing. I mean she was taking it around town, finger snapping and all...  Oh yes…video taken and posted.

We also made time for water fun and games.  Our trips to the beach were pretty much uneventful, unless you count the fact that on our way home we recorded ourselves singing Redneck Crazy “Wide open”, as my Daddy would say. Video taken, and posted.

As luck would have it, there is a hot tub and huge pool at my friends condo, which couldn’t go unvisited.

We pretty much behaved ourselves in the hot tub.  I’d call our time spent there group therapy.  We talked about our relationships, our children, and life in general.  We of course got nothing sorted out, but we felt better for having talked about it.  Truthfully, all I probably managed to do was confirm that I'm 3 bales of crazy.

Our time spent at the pool was a bit more entertaining.  I was sitting in my chair catching a few rays, when I noticed three of my friends out in the center of the pool having what looked like a rehearsal of sorts. I lowered my sunglasses and upon closer inspection I was able to ascertain that they were in fact choreographing moves for  what appeared to be a  dance...

As the scene unfolded It became clear to me that they had decided to go all Esther Williams on the situation and perform a synchronized swimming act. I have never seen so much arm waving and feet kicking in my life They were circling and moving there heads this way and that...All they needed were swim caps and matching suits...  Don’t you just know what I had to do…Yep…video taken and posted.

We were sitting around one evening putting on enough makeup to make Dolly Parton proud when we came up with the idea to gamble.   Hollywood, Florida... Hard Rock Casino.. Let’s hit it… Money was lost and money was won and we had yet again another great evening.

During that week we shared clothes, accessories, Makeup, and laughs.  With the all the fixing up and sharing of rooms we all saw each other in our birthday suits at one time or the other, which prompted discussions about body image and all that entails.

 I had a wonderful time that week and was reminded how very important those friendships are to me.  I love you all my dear sweet friends, and I hope that we find ourselves on a beach somewhere together again real soon…So work on your routines and charge your phones for video taping….I might call any day now and say “Road trip Ladies... It's go time!"

You are all forever in my heart…